I'm at my wits end. Thought that being a mother the second time around would be a breeze, boy...was I ever wrong.
I just can't figure out how women with truck loads of kids manage to juggle this whole motherhood thing. And to know that many are progressing just fine fuels my inadequacy.
Sarah is being quite the handful. One minute I feel like picking her up and slapping her around, the next minute I feel like embracing her in my arms and smother her with kisses. How in the world do I make her understand that I'm still as crazy about her as before? How do I make it known to her that now she has a little brother who will add more love to our little family? How do I make her see that she has nothing to feel insecure about? How do I make her stop misbehaving? How do I make her cooperate?
My heart breaks when I see Sarah smothering her little baby brother with kisses just to get my attention. She thinks if she loves her brother than perhaps she will be loved too. Doesn't she realize that she is loved, regardless?
I guess Sarah does feel that tinge (Tinge??? Who are we kidding? It's more like immense here) of jealousy. I feel that Sarah doesn't dare to show directly what's bothering her and due to that she retaliates in other ways. She misbehaves and makes everything difficult for everyone. She screams, she stomps, she hits, she wails, she refuses for just about everything to everyone except towards little baby. And to think Sarah used to be the sweetest natured child ever now she is acting up like some sort of devil child (god forbid) pushing everyone's buttons and testing our patience.
I'm tired, sleep deprived, lethargic, fatigue, you name it, I got it. And having to squeeze in handling a difficult child, cooking, cleaning and breastfeeding all in the same time AND when my body hasn't even recovered fully from the traumatic ordeal of childbirth, I swear I'm going bonkers.
I have this tremendous urge to strangle someone and the person I have in mind right now is my dear mother in law for not having the foresight to teach her son to be more domesticated. Yup, my man is so unreliable he doesn't even know how to sweep! Aaaaaargggh!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
It's been awhile and I'm pleased to say that yes, I have finally given birth. Now a brief on the whole experience.
My stomach felt really funny throughout the entire weekend but that didn't deter me from climbing up and down 7 stories worth of staircase instead of using the elevator.
Went to see the doc for my check up on the morning of Feb, 27th. Surprise, surprise! I was already 3cm dilated and there was already a show. The doc could touch the baby's head coz he was already engaged deep down. Thrilled when the doc took the decision out of our hands and scheduled me to be induced the next morning. She said, looking back at my labour history, if we waited, chances are I'd end up giving birth in the car. She told me to go back and eat to my heart's content. Went to lepak at a friend's house and look at a couple of showhouses instead. They say walking makes the whole birth process much easier. Didn't have much of an appetite anyway considering what's install for me the next morning.
Slept at my mom's so I could spend one last night just Sarah and me. Hubby overslept and woke up at 6.15am. Arrived at my mom's at 6.40am. (Hmmm, I doubt he took his bath although he said he did.) After kissing my still sleeping daughter goodbye I went for breakfast nearby. I had mihun and nasi lemak (never knew that shop serves superb breakfast...guess becoz I never had a reason to wake up so early anyway.) Puked it out 5 minutes later...probably due to nerves.
7.05am. Reached the hospital. The nurses checked me and I was already 4cm dilated.
8am. The doc arrived and broke my waterbag. She then started the whole induction thingy. I then braced myself for the pain that was to engulf me later. Went thru my mental preparations on breathing techniques and all the prayers that I could muster. Asked Hubby for his forgiveness and his prayers.
9.30am. I was already 6cm dilated. The pain was coming in strong. To keep my mind off the pain, attempted at a conversation with Hubby. Heard the nurses saying it was a full house so I asked Hubby if there was any room available. He told me there wasn't, however there was one room available but he didn't know if I'd be interested. Asked him what room was that? He said the morgue. That was the end of any attempt to speak to hubby.
10am. Where the hell are my drugs?!!! I've told the doc that although I refuse epidural, I want pethidine and the ethonox gas. Hubby asked the nurse about my request and she replied, "Oh! She didn't recieve any instructions from the doc" Liar! The doc told her after she finished inducing me. I heard her. Anyway, the nurse said at the rate of my progress, it was too late anyway for pethidine because if she administered it to me now, I'd only feel the effect after I'm done giving birth. So I've no choice but to settle for just the laughing gas. The gas didn't relieve the pain but it did get me really stoned. The feel good stoned feeling I felt was alternated witht he pain of contractions. Kept muttering "contraction is ur friend" under my breath like a mantra. Well, if contractions are truly my friend, that is one friendship I'm determined to severe.
10.15am. I was about to blow. The doc came in and asked what I was on. Hubby told her that I was only on the gas, the nurses forgot about my pethidine...she exclaimed "Wow Linda. You're doing better than I expected" Yeah right. The doc then told hubby to switch off the TV and help me with the gas. Hubby was on the phone. I screamed at him to get off the damn phone before I get up and crush his precious PDA phone into a million pieces. Hubby complied.
10.38am. Baby Mika emerged weighing a hefty 3.46kg and measuring 52cm in length. The unreliable nurse said out loud, "Oh! No wonder u were in so much pain, you've got a big baby there" Duh??? You think?
I fell heads over heels in love with my precious boy the moment I laid eyes on him. He has my nose, no mistaking about that although the rest of him kinda looks like hubby. My son has the proud Mohammed nose and that's enough for me. Hahaha. I have a feeling, my boy will be tall and well built, just like his late Tok Bak.
My baby Mika has arrived.